Lately I feel like I am walking around with my nervous system on the OUTside of my body. I am jumpy, jittery and skittish. I startle easily and everything feels too loud, too bright, too busy, too intense. Other times, I am noticing that I am having a hard time paying attention. Hearing other people talk, putting things back where they belong, driving the correct way to my destination.
All signs of anxiety...and depression.
Over the years, what I have noticed is that my emotional state seems to pendulum between two extremes; let's call one side AVOIDANT and one side ANXIOUS. For those of you who are familiar with attachment theory, these all also types of attachment. Somewhere in the middle of these would be SECURE.
For many, many reasons, as I said above, I tend to move between avoidant and anxious, with brief stop-overs at "secure" sometimes along the way. Based on these terms, I would have to say that my attachment style then is "anxious-avoidant".
Another thing that I am noticing is that the "avoidant" side of the pendulum feels like "depression" in my body. It is the part of my that holds the stories of isolation, hopelessness, abandonment and despair. The "anxious" side of the pendulum is the one I describe above. The nervous-system-outside-of-my-body thing.
What I am noticing lately is that I seem to be fluctuating between these two sides of the pendulum at Mach speed lately. As in, back and forth between the two extremes several times in ONE NIGHT.
It is so uncomfortable.
And that is what is true for me today.
And the reason why my 12 minute meditation was one of the toughest ones I've ever sat through. It was a challenge for me to even keep my eyes closed.
Something I say in the video, and I believe it's true; even though I'm in tough with my metal/emotional state right now... I have a sneaking suspicion that I would be worse off if I wasn't meditating at all.