A Beautiful Mess

Emotions are messy aren’t they?  Like just disgustingly messy.  Well, I guess I can’t speak for yours… but mine are.  My emotions are all about copious amounts of bodily fluids, ripping waves of nausea, paralyzing anxiety mixed with bouts of flailing my body about (usually on the floor).  Sometimes I will even throw up from it all.  Seriously, I recently stepped into observer consciousness during one of my bigger emotional releases and I was like “Woah!  Dude!  That is intense!!”  

When things really get going for me like they did during this last “episode", I can’t help but wonder if it can get like that for other people?  Do other people feel things that intensely?

I know that some likely do, but I don’t think very many.  I think a lot of people are afraid to really “go there”.  Or, I guess it’s possible that there isn’t a “there” for some people to go.  

For me, I can’t help but get the feeling that I was born with some kind of “ball of grief" in my belly.  It feels connected to me, but yet bigger than me or my story.  

I would say that while I do have things to feel grief about in my life, when I tap into this “ball”, all of a sudden it feels like I am “birthing the grief of the world”.  I know.  So weird.

These “grief attacks” used to scare the crap out of me.  But I’ve given in to enough of them now to know what to expect and they aren’t nearly as terrifying… mostly they’re just tiring.  I have even gotten quite good at knowing how to "move with the grief" so that it can be released more easily.  

I still find them to be a bit confusing though.  

Often the level of despair that comes forward doesn’t match the situation.  So I am left wondering about the intensity of it all.  Am I releasing emotion from childhood?  Am I releasing the emotions for my family?  Am I releasing generational trauma?  Am I actually releasing the pain and suffering of the collective consciousness?

Honestly, I don’t know.  

What I do know is that it is messy.  And often uncomfortable.  

As someone who works with other people in order to help them honour and release their shadow emotions, it is clear that I need to live this practice in order to give it.  I can’t hold space for people unless I am willing to hold space for myself.  

And that is where I’ve experienced the most change over the past few years.  

I am getting to be quite brilliant at being my own best companion.  I am finding it easier and easier to have self-compassion.

I used to think that “success” in my life would be to “heal the grief” - and lord knows that I have spent countless amounts of money and time trying to achieve this outcome. 

The thing is, I don’t actually think that’s true anymore.  I feel like I have been successful in managing the grief because I don’t fight it, judge it or resist it any more.  I just feel it all and let it go… mess and all.  I allow it to be what it is: a beautiful mess.

From my heart to yours,

Nahanni, Dancing Coyote Woman