The Messy Middle

When I told my husband I was divorcing him three years ago, I knew that divorce wasn't going to be an easy process.  I knew that it would be messy: emotionally, mentally, financially and even spiritually.  I knew that it would be painful.  I knew that it could get complicated.  I knew that it was going to be a roller coaster ride of high highs and low lows.  I knew that there would be plenty of tears, fear, uncertainty and doubt.

And I wasn't wrong.  The process, now three and a half years in, has been all of these things.

The thing that I could have never predicted however was just how long it would take to "untangle" it all.  There are so many friggin details that we are still in the process of working out.

Never mind the legal process of divorce itself (nightmare), now we are into division of assets, re-writing of wills, figuring out insurance plans, changing land titles, etc.

It seriously feels like it's never going to end.

And then there is this other part.  The "new beginning" of planning for the future.  For my future.

I no longer have an "us" to fall back on.

You would think that this realization would have hit me earlier on in the process, but no.  About 3.3 years into the process during a meeting with my financial planner, the realization of being totally and utterly "in charge" of my own estate awakened inside of me like a bucket of ice cold water being dumped over my head.

Oh goody.  More messy emotions lurking under there.  Like, really?

Now, nearly a month later, I find myself still "stalling" on making any major moves in this department.

You see, it is still the messy middle.

In butterfly-caterpillar terms, it turns out that there is more "goop" in here than I thought there was.  Damnit.

And sure, I can have compassion for myself.  I understand logically why I would feel this way.  For one thing, we don't live in a society that well equips us to navigate this territory, especially on our own.  I am telling you, they should have a course in high school called "divorce, retirement, death and taxes" and make it mandatory for all students to take.

I know, I know, why would we want to send them out into the world all jaded like that?  Well, for one thing, knowledge is power.  Consider it like an initiation into adulthood... because life doesn't always go the way you planned and tomorrow comes far sooner than you think.

And maybe I sound a tad bitter.  And maybe I am.  Maybe that is one of the emotions that got "spooked" out of me with this newest awakening.

But here's the cold, hard, truth:

I created this.  Me.  No one else.  And, I am going to have to be the one to sort myself out.  No.  Scratch that.  I GET to be the one to sort myself out.

So, I am going to keep moving forward just like I have for the past 3 and a half years.  One day at a time, one decision at a time, one action item at a time.

And while I'm at, I'm going to keep LIVING.  I am going to go outside.  I am going to go to work.  I am going to snuggle my son and cheer him on at his hockey games.  I am going to work out.  I am going to pray.  I am going to laugh.

I am going to show up.  Day after day.

I am just going to keep on showing up. 

Oh, and I am pretty sure that I am going to need some more therapy.