family

Pay It Forward

I found this in my drafts folder from last year... No idea why I didn't post...

Random Acts of Kindness are still as relevant today as ever so I decided to share:

 

I have had a rough couple of days… no, weeks, actually, months.  Since the start of school in September, I can't seem to find my regular "beat".  It feels as though my energy battery is running around 20% (and continually flipping into 'conservation' mode).  Then, at the start of October, I got some kind of flu, which has managed to come through in not one, not two but three different forms.  To be honest, I am getting verrrrrrry tired.  And discouraged.  And down right down.  

But.  There is a silver lining to all of this "down".  (Of course there is, you didn't think I was actually going to leave you with a full-on Debbie-Downer post did you?!)

I am learning some good lessons (as all down cycles provide the opportunity for): I am learning to rest and be still.  I am learning move slower and do less.  I am learning to say no to a whole lot of stuff.  I am learning to find Gratitude and Light and Inspiration every day.  I am learning to ask for help.

The last one is the hardest one for me.  (That's why its last).  

When I say ask for help, I mean it.  I have been asking friends for rain checks, bosses for extensions, clients for different dates, my partner for help around the house, etc.

Looking at the above list, it occurs to me that those ones aren't the toughest "asks".  Believe it or not, it took me seven long weeks to finally concede that I needed to call in the big guns.  I needed to pray.

So, yesterday morning, when my knees hit the cushion for my morning smudge… I asked for help with my health.  

And… nothing happened, well, physically anyway.  Actually, I woke up this morning with one of my eyes swollen shut and filled with goop.  (gross, I know).

But the difference is, between yesterday and today, I don't feel so heavy.  I don't feel so afraid.  I feel the exact same way physically, if not worse, as I did two days ago, but it doesn't seem as hard to get through the days.  

And then, tonight, something amazing happened.  

No, I didn't experience a miraculous healing (yet).

But what happened feels like a miracle to me.  

While I was at swimming lessons with my son, I was working on my work calendar (I am WAY behind due to said illness).  And I somehow managed to leave my day timer at the pool.  

I didn't even notice it was gone until I got a phone call after I got home asking me if I had lost it.  

Now, here is the thing about the day timer: It has EVERYTHING in it.  I couldn't find my way out of my house tomorrow morning if I had lost it for real (and yes, I can also now see the inherent error in my system).  

Anyway, this woman finds it, calls me (my number is in it) and DRIVES IT OVER TO MY HOUSE.

I am so grateful to her that I try to give her $50 but she won't take it, instead giving me a hug and telling me to pay it forward.  

I have no clue why I feel so crappy in my body… but my heart is wide open and shining.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Maren

Dancing Coyote Woman

 

Game-changers

You know that feeling when you first reunite with a good friend that you haven’t seen or spoken to in a very long time?  There is that pull of urgency in your belly, you feel a bit flustered and slightly overwhelmed because you aren’t sure where to possibly begin in order to fill them in on all that has happened since you last saw each other.

That, kind reader, is how I feel right now about writing this blog.

I take comfort in the fact that I have been in the above-mentioned “real life” scenario quite a few times in the past, and from what I can recall, things just worked themselves out.  The sense of urgency begins to gently subside, the explosion of words that you feel compelled to vomit somehow manages to fall out of you, and somehow, a vague sense of order emerges from its chaos.

I am taking this sense of urgency, overwhelm and flus-tration (new word!) as a good sign… a verrrrry good sign.  You see, it means that I WANT to re-connect with you (you = the outside world).  And this is the first time I have felt like this in a very long time… about three years (give or take).

The tricky thing here is that it is often (not always, but often) a one-sided conversation on the old blog.  You see, I have been blogging for seven years.  You might recall that this blogging adventure began with “MareBare Necessities: A Year of Living with Less”, which was a one-year project in which I gave up being a consumer of new goods.  It turned out to be an epic journey, and somehow, unintentionally, it became quite well read.  Like 50,000-readers-per-month well read!  (I know, it still shocks the hell out of me too!) 

After the “MareBare” project was over, I quit blogging for a bit, but then I was pushed,pulled and practically dragged back into it because of people like you: you see, my blog had started a CONVERSATION.  (I know now that this is no small feat – I have been trying every since to “continue the conversation” with my “on-line community”, only to discover that as I shifted, morphed and changed, so did they).  Today?  Not so much of a conversation.  Not so much of a community.  And so, I find myself once again in a very much one-sided, somewhat awkward, I’m-really-excited-but-overwhelmed-to-tell-you-stuff social situation.

(And after yesterday’s post… you can just guess how I feel about that… cue the sweat).

However: I’m doing it anyway.  You see, when I started MareBare Necessities, I couldn’t friggin’ WAIT to write my posts each day.  I was SO excited to connect with “my tribe” (which started off as one or two readers… one of whom was my mom).  And that is, once again, how I feel about connecting with you kind folks (there are about 8 of you all told)…

So, where shall we begin?  Ah yes.  The title of this post: GAME-CHANGERS.

Because of the overwhelm/excitement/flus-tration, it occurred to me that maybe I should just tell you what the biggest, most epic changes, challenges, self-discoveries/uncoveries have been over the past three years.  This post then, can kind of serve as the “index” for the rest of the blogs to come.

Here they are, in no particular order of timeline or importance (and please note, I shared the first two with you yesterday):

·Giving up alcohol (for 510 days and counting) and moving into “recovery” (I love this word – it means: to regain possession of something lost and return to a normal state of mind/health)

·Discovering that I am actually a very introverted/shy/socially anxious person

·Going through a divorce (duh). We have done this in the most conscious way possible and although it has been unbelievably painful, it has also been a phenomenal journey of self-discovery and growth.

·Working as an educational consultant (turns out that I really love this work and it continues to change and expand as well).

·Taking charge of my mental and physical health through a life-changing dietary program called Whole30 (look it up.  No seriously look.it.up.)

·Moving (several times) and finally settling into The House With The Red Door.  Lately we have been “Tidying up” our home (via the work of Marie Kondo) and so far this has involved disposing of 45 garbage bags of “stuff”, and we are only about ½ way done.

·Learning about co-dependency and moving into recovery from that sticky mess (this is also connected to learning how to set boundaries).

·Continuing to learn more and more about mental health and depression and continuing to navigate recovery (through WHOLEistic methods)  (I call this “taming the dark dragon”.) In other words, this has meant freeing myself of my behavioral addiction to and pattern of being “dark and twisty”.  This has meant taking FULL accountability for all areas of my life and letting go of my victim story (again and again and again).

·Facing ALL of my deepest, darkest fears, (most of which surrounded mortality and death) and emerging on the other side.

·Discovering a different way to be in an intimate partnership, and re-discovering the different forms/roles/shapes that can exist in a “family”

·Taking my medicine wheel training, travelling twice to Peru to study shamanism and beginning to practice and share my gifts as a shamanic practitioner.

·Changing my legal name back to my birth name.

·Claiming a medicine name (more on this later).

·Navigating intense survivor guilt (this is truly a one-day-at-a-time journey).

And there you have it: the list of “game-changers” and the likely future index of this blog.

Any questions?

Nahanni, DCW

From Rumi to the Rolling Stones

Yesterday was Rumi's poem about the Unexpected Visitor.  Today, a bit of a different message/vibration showed up… in the form of the Rolling Stones:

No, you can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want
But if you try sometime you find
You get what you need
— The Rolling Stones

I would like to substitute the word TRY for PRAY.

If you Pray sometime… you will often get what you need.  

Looking back on my adventures in bodily fluids yesterday, one thing is as clear as a bell to me today.  I most definitely did not get what I wanted, but I did get exactly what I needed (and prayed for).  Let me explain...

I have been doing a lot of reading over the past few months on the importance of the parent-child attachment relationship.  I have danced on the line between fear and perspective/self-compassion as I explored both of my primary attachment relationships (that with my own mother and that with my son).  It has been a painful, beautiful, insightful, fascinating and interesting journey so far.  It has brought forward (in a very loud way) the idea of ancestral karma or lineage, and I have been shown how this is a very real phenomenon and how it is directly impacting me today.  

Anyway, to make a long story short, my attachment relationship with Chephren isn't as solid as I feel it could be.  This is due to the fact that I had pretty severe and poorly managed pre and postpartum depression, high, high anxiety and now, owing to a divorce, I only see him half of the time.  All in all, he seems to be doing well, however I knew in my heart that we could be closer and more connected.  I also know that this is the most important thing that I need to focus on as his mom.  

Now that he is getting a bit older, this hasn't been quite as easy as I'd hoped.  He is more resistant to physical connection and less open to talking with me.  So, I have been praying for guidance and support in redeveloping this connection, and trusting that I will be able to do so.  

Yesterday's flu bug turned out to be an answer to my prayers.  We emerged from the ordeal closer than we have been in months and today (he is home from school), we got to have the day that I had hoped to have yesterday.  So far we have played cards, watched a movie, played games, did an art project and hopefully next we'll make some cookies.  Over the past two days we have had a lot of interesting conversation and cuddles, and I feel closer to him than ever.  

The Universe is funny, isn't it?

Cheph and I made some prayer flags for his room today and imbued them with our prayers and intentions in a little ceremony.  It is my intention that they serve as a totem… a living reminder to connect with each other, and to connect with something greater than ourselves when we really do need something.  


May you get exactly what it is that you need.

Maren, NDCW